Hit Me Baby

Him:

Did you see that hoarding? It had this stupid fat baby with sunglasses on. Chomu. It looked like the kind of baby that walks into doors. (laughs) And then it cries. (laughs harder) Like, stupid baby... why would you walk into a door and then cry also? Like you didn't know it was going to hurt?

I should do stand up comedy. That baby joke is killer material. I'll charge $20 per joke for 1 hour. Chalo, $20 is a bit much. $10 for two hours. Do you see what I did there? Do ya? Some stupid doorman who was the kind of baby who walked into doors... that kinda stupid man will think he/s getting a killer deal and hire me.

(laughs) Stupid baby walking into doors.

Empty Victories

Him:

I like that one.

Me:

So do I!! (exuberantly) I sooo like you.

Him:

I like you too! No wait, I love you. I win.

Good Old Days

Him:

You're so beautiful. In the olden days, I'd have had to lock you up at home every time I went out.

Me:

You do that anyway.

Him:

Oh yeah, I do. I'm so clever. But in the olden days, they'd have locked you up with a guard and you'd have been putting it with him on the side. So I'm even more clever for locking you up alone.

Me:

They kept eunuchs as guards in the olden days for precisely that reason.

Him:

Oh. But you'd have found some way to do some kirkiri... Don't look at me like that, I'm not saying you would have, I'm saying in olden days you would have.

Beauty With Some Cruelty

Him:

Hahaha, you're so scared of that frog. 

Me:

I so am not. I was checking to see if it was a chipkali 'cos you don't like them.

Him:

If you're not scared means you go touch it and come. Go. Go. Let's see.

Me:

Fine!

(runs after frog, frog runs away)

It's running away, it's not my fault!

Him:

Thu. You need to go from the back and tap it on the backside nicely. Go try.

Me:

Shut up, what is this 'Go touch frog' nonsense? I'm your wife slightly!

PS: That's a good reminder to myself too, I get sucked up in his infantile bull.

Doggie-style

Him:

Check it out, check out that nonsense pup... all fat and pampered when people don't have food to eat.. bloody $#$#$#$ dog. Look at it no. When we go out for dinner we'll tease it and go okay?

(pause, then more giggling)

Just look at it! What a $#$#*($*#($. That man's throwing a stone for it to fetch... it's like, going over, and then looking at him fully like 'You want me to fetch this' kehte... it wants bread, bloody fat $##*$#*)&. Too good for the slums. Kutta hai ki kya hai.

(laughs hysterically)

Infinite Loop

Him:

Hey, I've something for your blog. Listen no. I've a new nickname for you, now that we've been married for three weeks.

Me:

Tell.

Him:

Puchi.

(Pause)

That's all.

Me:

What does that even mean?

Him: 

It's a conversation starter! You're like, 'Hey, my husband calls me Puchi.' They're like 'What does that even mean?'

Me:

What does it even mean?

Him:

Oh you want me only to tell you everything! You think no! I gave you a conversation starter.