Now Everyone Can Fly... Indeed They MUST.

Him:

I can't get a refund on the flight tickets to Bangkok.

Me:

But there's a national disaster there, we're not saying we'll cancel because we feel like it.

Him:

I know, but AirAsia still won't refund anything. They won't let us exchange them for credits either.

Me:

Ok... can we change the location to somewhere else?

Him:

Nope. We can't even change the dates without paying 12,000 more.

... Clearly the joke in this conversation is AirAsia's no-brains no-heart dogmatic policy. There's no punchline except that I'd dearly love to line them all up and punch them in the guts. Hard.

Edited: Subjugated them since. Change of dates, no loss of money.

Shift of Spotlight

 Me:

Grwwwl. Mrrphl. Whine. I need more sleep. I haven't slept properly in forever.

Him:

I know re. Tonight I'll stay up and put you to sleep, and then sleep.

Me:

Oh yes? How will you do that re? Lalla-lalla-lori, doodh ki...snore, snore, snore.

****

Him:

(looking through Facebook)

Oh, so this is her husband kya?

Me:

No that's just some guy she thought it'd be fun to pose for karva chauth with.

Him:

Arre. I just thought her husband looked different.

Me:

This is the same guy, V2. Post marriage version. 

****

Him:

(to a friend)

Chal yaar, let's go hiking in Eastern Europe.

Friend:

We decided to do that before we got married, then we all went and got married.

Him:

Toh kya, we can go anyway! They won't mind. (turning to me) By the way, baby...

Me:

Bye.
****

*****

Him:

That movie went on and on forever.

Me:

Yes. And then there was an interval!

*****

Him:

XYZ College is receiving the same number of applications... but it has more seats open. So now 4 out of every 10 people are hired. Imagine, quality and standards will drop.

Me:

Ok so I'm going to give it another two years and then apply. I'll be class topper. Companies will queue up to hire me. It'll be AWESOME. Oh hey, you know what we should do? Sign up to college together. We'll bitch about everyone else, compete to be at the top... it'll be so great. We can tell our kids we went to school together.

Him:

Who has the money to fund college for both of us re?

Me:

We don't have kids! Let's loot that money. Ok chalo, not XYZ college, but ABC college toh we can afford.

Him:

Haan. ABC college has some standard also.

Me:

Yeah snooty elitist pricks go there.

Him:

Haan but kuch toh baat hai unme.

Me:

Exactly! Just like us, basically.

*****

... And this is why I deserve my own blog. Because I'm just so much more profound.

What's In A Name?

Him:

Everything's fallen in place so fantastically.

Me:

What has?

Him:

The Wifi, the TV, the.. oh look, there's the guy who installed the wifi for us. I mentioned him and he came off in front of us. Let me see... Lara Dutta. 

(looking around) 

Where is she? Where?

The Sound of Music

Him:

(singing)

Mein saas leta hoon, teri khushboo aati hai.

And what an ironyyy, mera naak bandh hai.

...I'm a poet.

Pun Unintended

Him:

Used to get auto drivers in here and pray they'd start a fight. We'd be like ready to throw a few punches.

Me:

Must have been so disappointing when some just quietly took money and went no?

Him:

Yeah. Worst of all were the guys who'd say 200, then you'd say 150, then they'd say okay straight away. Kya bey, thoda fight toh maar lete. You think I'm mean, but you don't know. All these guys deserve to die. 

Me:

But you need them no bey.

Him:

No. They should be replaced by automatons.

Proposals & Disposals

Me:

Argh god, stop, enough, go away!

Him:

Yeah, should've thought of that response last year when I proposed baby. Tab toh it was all oh boohoohoo yes yes, I will marry you. Hahaha. Dekha? 

.... And yes, it has been a year already. Woot!

Of Husbands, Real & Imagined

(After inspecting an ice cream truck for three minutes)

Me:

Nahi re, I don't want ice cream. But can't not buy no after looking for so long.

Him:

Dekhne ke liye nahi lagte re, choone ke liye lagte... khaane ke liye lagte. Gawd. I'm too funny. Aren't you glad you married me and not some Iyer Shanmugan? He'd have had no sense of humor. His idea of a joke would be to come home and tell you all the email forwards he got that day. He'll try to pretend he made them up also. And I'll tell you his email address? CoolShan. CoolShan83@gmail.com.

Or maybe that would already be taken. So CoolShan07 then. All you Iyers, thinking you're James Bond.

Me:

Who had the martini last night re?

Him:

That's different. I can be James Bond.

Thus Proven

Me:

Do you've a crush on Natalie Portman?

Him:

No!

Me:

Seriously? Did you not watch Black Swan?

Him:

If anything Black Swan reinforced it. You're so beautiful.

Me:

You needed Natalie Portman to remind you I was beautiful?

Him:

I needed Natalie Portman in Black Swan to prove to you how much better you look. Man, I'm acing these husband dialogues.

Hungry Kya?

Me:

Do you've money for the delivery guy by the way? 'Cos I need to withdraw.

Him:

I'll just pay him off with a kiss. 

MBA's

Him:

Dude, check out that bird! It caught that fish in its beak and leaped across those leaves... now it’s fully sitting on one leaf with the fish on the other and eating it slowly. This is my National Geographic moment. Wait but why isn’t the bird just eating the fish where it caught it? Why does it keep dragging it across from leaf to leaf? It gets tired and rests at every three leaves. It should have just eaten it when it caught it.

Me:

Excuse me, but are you suggesting the fish strategize its feed better?

Him:

I’m not strategizing for it, I’m just... telling it to be more effective.

Forget Him Not

Him:

If I were Ghajini I'd have just one dialogue... 'What did I just say?' Wait a while, and then all angrily charge at someone and go 'What did I just SAY??' Killer. I'm going to make that movie.

Jaago Zara

Him:

Will you wake me up tomorrow?

Me:

But you've to wake up at 5 and I've to wake up at 9... set an alarm no.

Him:

Nooo, wake me up. I can sleep through the alarm but it's impossible to sleep through your nagging.

... I honestly wonder how he managed to wake up before I came along.

!

Me:

Mark Twain said using exclamation marks was like laughing at your own jokes.

Him:

Mark Twain committed suicide. You don't want to listen to a man like that. (pause) You're Googling that, aren't you?

Me:

No I'm putting this up on the blog.

Him:

Ok. He didn't commit suicide though. I just made that up.

We All Scream for Ice Cream

Me

(looking at couple at next table, slowly omnoming their ice cream)

Aww. They're taking ages over their ice cream cos they're too busy looking at each other.

(We look at our empty ice cream bowl)

Me

How come we don't do that?

Him

We do that stuff. Just not when there's ice cream in front of us.

We Are Family

Him:

Abbey, your chitti also added me off on Facebook today, and still your mom hasn't.

Me:

Light le, she's just shy.

Him:

Teekh. Toh kal I'm going to put all of these people in one group called 'Akshaya's Family' and block them from seeing anything I do on Facebook.

Me:

Cool hai... if you even do anything on Facebook to begin with. Also, this is going on my blog.

Summons

Him:

Ei. It wasn't domestic abuse and all. I wanted your attention. I went 'tsk, tsk,' you didn't turn around. Then I went 'whistle, whistle,' you still didn't turn around. THEN I went 'tsch, tsch,' still you didn't. So I had to throw that slipper at you.

Khan-dani Capers

Him

(scratching at his stubble)

Fugga-fugga-fugga. That's what Genghis Khan would say. Fugga-fugga-fugga. That'd be his mating call. If this is going on your blog, I'd like it noted that I did the action with it. The action of pulling at his wispy beard. Also, don't put this on your blog. It's not as brilliant if you can't hear the sound. Fugga-fugga-fugga.

Mr. & Mrs. Iyer

Him:

What do you say for goat in Tamil?

Me:

Aadu.

Him:

Oh. Then for cow?

Me:

Maadu.

Him:

Hahahahaha. Aadu, maadu, they're all saapaadu.

Tralala

Me:

Deta hai dil de, badle mein dil ke. Ghe ghe ghe ghe ghe...

Him:

Lesssssbian. What, it's funny. Gay gay gay gay gay... Lesssbian. You're trying not to laugh.

I Love You Too

Him:

All you bloody romantics, wanting to look at skies and sunsets. Pah. What is there in that. Sun sets every day.

Divine Retribution

Him:

(flicking an insect against a wall)

Look at the impact of that collision re, it's like if our car went and banged against a wall and bounced back. Watch, watch again.

Me:

God is SO going to ask you about this when  you're at the gates of Hell.

Him:

Arre! I'll ask God... if you and your wife are lounging around and I come like one tiny bloody insect and keep poking you tsch tsch karke toh what will you do bolke. Chalo maaf bolke God will forgive off.

Me:

(watching the insect)

Arre don't kill it!!

Him:

Of course not. That'd leave a splat.

Framed

Me

(watching him fit the protective plastic layer back over a photo frame)

You don't have to do that, the photo's already in it now.

Him:

I will. I bloody will. This will bow to my subjugation. 

PS: He did.

Deep

Him

(after reading a blog about life strategies)

I have a strategy for life too. It goes... breathe in. Breathe out. Then repeat.

Merde

Him:

Shayitzaaaa. That's German for 'Shit.'

Hit Me Baby

Him:

Did you see that hoarding? It had this stupid fat baby with sunglasses on. Chomu. It looked like the kind of baby that walks into doors. (laughs) And then it cries. (laughs harder) Like, stupid baby... why would you walk into a door and then cry also? Like you didn't know it was going to hurt?

I should do stand up comedy. That baby joke is killer material. I'll charge $20 per joke for 1 hour. Chalo, $20 is a bit much. $10 for two hours. Do you see what I did there? Do ya? Some stupid doorman who was the kind of baby who walked into doors... that kinda stupid man will think he/s getting a killer deal and hire me.

(laughs) Stupid baby walking into doors.

Empty Victories

Him:

I like that one.

Me:

So do I!! (exuberantly) I sooo like you.

Him:

I like you too! No wait, I love you. I win.

Good Old Days

Him:

You're so beautiful. In the olden days, I'd have had to lock you up at home every time I went out.

Me:

You do that anyway.

Him:

Oh yeah, I do. I'm so clever. But in the olden days, they'd have locked you up with a guard and you'd have been putting it with him on the side. So I'm even more clever for locking you up alone.

Me:

They kept eunuchs as guards in the olden days for precisely that reason.

Him:

Oh. But you'd have found some way to do some kirkiri... Don't look at me like that, I'm not saying you would have, I'm saying in olden days you would have.

Beauty With Some Cruelty

Him:

Hahaha, you're so scared of that frog. 

Me:

I so am not. I was checking to see if it was a chipkali 'cos you don't like them.

Him:

If you're not scared means you go touch it and come. Go. Go. Let's see.

Me:

Fine!

(runs after frog, frog runs away)

It's running away, it's not my fault!

Him:

Thu. You need to go from the back and tap it on the backside nicely. Go try.

Me:

Shut up, what is this 'Go touch frog' nonsense? I'm your wife slightly!

PS: That's a good reminder to myself too, I get sucked up in his infantile bull.

Doggie-style

Him:

Check it out, check out that nonsense pup... all fat and pampered when people don't have food to eat.. bloody $#$#$#$ dog. Look at it no. When we go out for dinner we'll tease it and go okay?

(pause, then more giggling)

Just look at it! What a $#$#*($*#($. That man's throwing a stone for it to fetch... it's like, going over, and then looking at him fully like 'You want me to fetch this' kehte... it wants bread, bloody fat $##*$#*)&. Too good for the slums. Kutta hai ki kya hai.

(laughs hysterically)

Infinite Loop

Him:

Hey, I've something for your blog. Listen no. I've a new nickname for you, now that we've been married for three weeks.

Me:

Tell.

Him:

Puchi.

(Pause)

That's all.

Me:

What does that even mean?

Him: 

It's a conversation starter! You're like, 'Hey, my husband calls me Puchi.' They're like 'What does that even mean?'

Me:

What does it even mean?

Him:

Oh you want me only to tell you everything! You think no! I gave you a conversation starter.

For Better or For Worse

Him:

There's a lot of behavioral psychology involved re, in the way that people own up to farts. Farting. Their fart. Whatever. You decide what's the right grammar.

... This was on the day following our marriage btw. I'm so lucky :)

... And the dog ate my homework

Him:

All this time I've been leaving comments on your blog and reading all your tweets.

Me:

You left ONE comment, and saw my tweets at some ten in the morning.

Him:

I am almost Rajni. My one comment is equal to ten comments. 

Excuses, excuses. But all so innovative.

Way Back in the Day

Him:

I'm telling you re... if your mom hears us talking on the phone like this, she'll obviously say we're immature and she'll be fully unsure if we're ready to get married, no?

Me:

You started it.

Him:

Nonsense, you started it!

Me:

Then you stop no? Stop no? Huh? Huh?

... Poor long-suffering eavesdroppers. At least it beats the age old 'You hang up first,' 'No, you' debate.

Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani

Me:

(referring to my rather unhealthy penchant for tragic martyr songs)

So I'm a patriotic person.

Him:

No, you're one puski papaya.

Time Zones

Me:

I finished this on Thursday, why haven't I heard back yet?

Him:

It's not yet Friday in Australia.

Me:

Uhm. So?

Him:

It's not yet Friday in Australia.

Me:

I'm not working with Australians, you are.

Him:

Doesn't matter. It's not yet Friday in Australia.

Say What?

Him:

You were so not coherent! You were all running around like 'Make it disappear.... do something..... Ywaaaaaaaaarlllllllaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!'

Me:

Let's see you repeat that sound effect.

Him:

It's the sound equivalent of ants in your pants re... Ywaaaaaaaaarlllllllaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!

Small is Beautiful

Him:

Oh please. Everyone thinks I'm one charming little thing.

Me:

*Devilish cackle 'cos I'm awesome like that* 

Little?

Him:

*Furiously backtracking*

Not little as in small obviously!

Me:

No? Then little as in what re?

Him:

Little... as in... easygoing!

... You heard it here first, Oxford Dictionary. Little is the new easygoing.

Hard Day's Night

(Comparing notes on our days)

Me:

Got home at around 11 last night, woke up at 6, worked all day, went to pick up the gifts from a store, lugged 110 pieces back, went to my aunt's place, helped her with computer education, walking back home now at around 9.

Him:

Today... kuch nahi re. I had to socialize with relatives for some two hours at the puja. Then I went and slept.

Me:

Aww. You must be so exhausted.

Him:

I was. I slept for four hours after the puja.

You're It!

Him:

Okay look one of us has to be the non-obsessive chilled out type.

... Don't look at me, that's traditionally the man's job!

Guest Appearance by the Almost Mother-in-Law

Mom:

I think they're happy.

Me:

I think they have no life.

Mom:

Whatever.

Me:

??!!!!! Don't whatever me, mother!!!

Talk about role reversal without warning!

RSS

Him:

(after inspecting my blog)

How come you didn't put up any slander today?

... Good to know I have a loyal reader base before I even give out the link :) Also, here it is, slander.

In-Laws

Me:

I could really use some help.

Him:

Aww. But I can't give you any, 'cos I'm not Kaanoon.

Me:

What?

Him:

Kaanoon ke haath lambe hote hai, mere nahi.

... Face, meet palm.

While Stocks Last*

Him:

(After saying something ridiculously cute)

I'm so worried re.. at some point I'll finish telling you all the cute things I know, and then how will I generate new ideas?*

Divine Disaster

Him: 

I could use a calming influence in my life.

Me:

I'm about as calming as a tornado.

Him: 

I know.. I'm not saying you'll be the calming influence, I'm saying you'll be there, so I'll be calmer.

Me:

That's like saying I don't believe in God or anything, but having the statue around makes me feel secure.

Him (after a pause):

Yeah.

For Better or For Worse

"Husbandry, also called animal science, is the agricultural practice of raising livestock."

Starting May 27, I will have my own livestock to raise and husband. It promises to be a quote-worthy experience, particularly given the drama queen that he is. And so here we are. Let's start with a sample, just so you know I'm totally not exaggerating.

Him (in response to ShitMyHusbandSays.Wordpress.com): 

Look at his ability to drive that woman nuts...with one statement. It's awesome!

Can you tell I'm in for a fun-filled ride?